Today's post is a little piece of the raw, real me...not the encouraging me, not the organized me, not the Spiritual me, not even the mom me...just a piece of my heart...
Two weeks ago we had our very first midwife appointment. It was fantastic! This time we have chosen to birth outside the hospital at a stand-alone birthing center. Due to their awareness of spouses schedules, they make appointments available until 7PM! My delightful husband decided he really would like to be at this appointment {a privilege we have not experienced since expecting our first baby 23 years ago}. The appointment lasted a full hour! We were asked questions, listened to, included in decision making - while being informed of all aspects of our choices.
And then the big moment...getting to hear the baby's heartbeat for the first time...
The student midwife put the Doppler to my belly and searched for the quick, rhythmic swishing that so many of us Mamas are familiar with. She checked one area, then another, until finally the midwife overseeing her decided she would give it a try. Her expert hands put the Doppler right where she knew she would find our little bundle ~ but still no heartbeat! After searching for quite a few minutes, she stopped, looked at me and told us there were a few reasons we might not be hearing the tones...all of which sounded reasonable. She presented us with the option of ordering an ultrasound or waiting two weeks and having us come in for a quick appointment to listen again.
In the moment, we chose to wait...
I would be lying if I said I wasn't just the tiniest disappointed. As we headed home, thoughts of doubt began entering my mind and I quickly began taking them captive and making them obedient to Christ! Only, two weeks is a long time to take thoughts captive. Two weeks is an eternity when your nighttime dreams become filled with images of miscarriage and hemorrhaging. When suddenly woman after woman begins to announce their own loss, and you begin to question if your heart isn't being prepared for another loss yourself.
At one point I had thought, "On Monday, I will call and let them know I would like to go ahead and have an ultrasound." Only to have a dream Sunday night of the sweetest baby girl who possessed a beaming smile and radiated joy.
I decided to wait...
So yesterday as we played at our local children's museum with my oldest daughter and her sweet babies...my heart sat in anticipation...my eyes occasionally welled with tears...and my Spirit "held it's breath"...
Finally the moment arrived that my husband and I met at the birthing center and were ushered back to an "overflow" office. {The three birthing suites were being occupied by Mamas laboring. We even overheard the sweet cry of a newborn babe as we were waiting for our midwife to pop in.} In walked Kim, a student midwife in the practice. With beautiful eyes and a head of curly, graying hair she invited me to lie down on the table so we could "find this peanut"! As she placed the Doppler on my belly, I literally held my breath and committed that I would be OK, no matter what the outcome...
And then...
Swish, swish, swish, swish... "there it is," Kim announced!
My eyes overflowed and those beautiful eyes looked right into mine as she said, "You needed to hear that didn't you?" At those words I couldn't contain myself any longer! I just covered my flooding eyes and listened to that sweet baby's heart beating inside of me!
I cannot tell you the feelings of overwhelming relief that flooded me in those moments! The feelings of thankfulness, joy and relief that consumed me and brought me to tears in the sigh of a moment for the rest of the evening...and still as I type this!
At times over the past two weeks, I have felt burdened that I could not just rest in the God that brings peace! But, I knew that He had not left me...He never promised life would be easy...only that He would see me through.
And, I am not so naive to think that this life inside of me is somehow less fragile now that I have heard a heartbeat. Only God knows the number of our days, and I am OK with that, but for now I will relish knowing that a heartbeat is there, at 160 beats per minute ~ our little hummingbird!
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