So, again, I'm taking a Friday and posting something that is on my heart. I usually save Fridays for a "Fast Tip". But, once again, my heart is full of words that I need to release...
Thursday is one of my favorite days! It is usually busy, but always culminates in an afternoon trip to the dance studio where Sarah and Isabelle take ballet.Last week was "watch" week for Isabelle's class, and I couldn't help but notice this one Mama. She would instruct her daughter every time she could get eye contact. Not in the, "your doing great" type of way, but in the "do it better" type of way! I had to chuckle to myself, thinking, "they're 7 for Heaven's sake!"
Then yesterday another situation arose...this time not as funny! Before the girls were dismissed, the instructor had given them a "free dance" time. Twirls, and crawling, and silliness ensued. As Mama came around the corner, she called to her daughter. When her little one didn't respond, a more insistent call was made. This time her daughter came out...but was met by a Mama that completely laid into her..."What were you doing? Why didn't you come when I called? You are supposed to be dancing and listening! What were you DOING in there?!" You could visually see the deflated spirit in this little girl.
Averting my eyes and silently motioning to Isabelle to avert her eyes, we walked away from the scene!
As we pulled out of the parking lot, Isabelle spoke up..."Mama, that little girl wasn't doing anything wrong!"
"I know," I said. "But sometimes Mamas react to their children like that when they think that how their children behave reflects who they are as parents."
"Mama, last week she was making her do the splits and then pushing her down when she couldn't go all the way!"
It was here that my heart broke! Not just for the little girl, but for the Mama! For what ever reason, this Mama is projecting her insecurity onto her daughter.
Know why I can spot it so well? Because I have been that Mama! I have walked in the lie that if my children are well behaved and "_____" {fill in the blank - smart, athletic, cute, etc.} then it somehow reflects how terrific of a parent I am! Only, the results of this thinking can be devastating on the child!
I can't tell you how many times the words, "Remember, you represent our family!" have passed my lips as I've dropped my children off somewhere. (And don't get me wrong - I do believe we need to train our children to be respectful and pleasant, and having high standards is not necessarily bad.) Only, my heart motive was in the wrong place!
I am thankful that somewhere along the way God showed me that He is the perfect parent, and we still don't represent Him very well!
I am thankful that my children were resilient to a Mama that put on a little too much pressure...though I apologize to the older ones...especially my oldest...that they have had to walk through the consequences of my own insecurities!
My message is to the other Mamas out there that struggle with this!
Learn to relax - at least a bit! Childhood is a journey, not a race! Give them grace and remember...
God is the perfect parent and yet we are not perfect children!
Thanks for stopping by! Be Refreshed!
Lora, I love your blog posts and look forward to reading them.
ReplyDeleteI was raised to have pride in our family name and encouraged to do nothing to dishonor it. I don't think that is a bad thing, perhaps it is the methods used.
I've always been grateful to my Dad. When I got my first job at 14 I was immature and prideful. I was (justifiably) suspended for two weeks. When my Dad came to pick me up, I told him I was quitting - I could not believe they would dare suspend me.
He explained that no, I was not quitting. Instead I needed to apologize to the person who recommended me for the job because I made them look bad. (I hadn't realized that until that moment.) And next I was going to apologize to the boss because I let him down. And then I was going back to work in 2 weeks to show him how Turleys work. The Turley name was a good name in the community and I wasn't going to bring it down.
And then he proceeded to drive me to these people's homes so that I could apologize. It was the most difficult night of my life, but the one night, more than any, that I am most grateful for.
I shudder to think of what I would have become had my Father not taken the time to teach me responsibility and about honoring the family name. I have since thanked him for doing that, though I didn't feel grateful at the time. It was a pivotal moment in my life.
Two weeks later when my suspension was up, I went back to work and later became a manager there.
But, again, my Dad didn't berate me for the mistakes I made. He just showed me how to fix them. Methods are important.
My heart hurts for that little girl. How sad to grow up with parents that can never see the good in you.
Great response Lynelle!!! My sentiments exactly...methods and motives!!! Thanks for commenting!
DeleteMama, I think it is time to release yourself. Time to forgive yourself, because I have. Focus on doing it differently with the Littles. You apologize all too often, as a parent you are not a burden. If you were still walking in your projection of insecurities, maybe the plethora of apologies would be warranted, but you are not; you are a wonderful Mama! I am an adult and I can see when people need a little grace. I take ownership of who I am today, you should be proud not sorry! You forget that there are many many good things you instilled in the Olders, and children, being resilient, are able to overlook most poor choices that parents make. So lay this to rest, as it has been paid in full. Not one more apology (at least on my account)!
ReplyDeleteTT - I am blessed!!! Thank you!
DeleteTristen,
DeleteYou are an angel sent by God, indeed. Grandma Jo xxoo
Lora,
DeleteYou are a wonderful, amzing Mom. All of your children love you so deeply, I know, I can se it, hear it,feel it...I love you with all of my heart and made my own mistakes raising you and Michael. I truely am sorry that you have insecurities, I didn't even know. If I could get a "do over" I sure would do it differently. You have every reason in the world to hold your head up high and I hope you do. Love, Mom xxoo